I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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