I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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