just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
