You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
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