I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
