i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize