just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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