Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Randomize
