So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Someone stole a lamp last night.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
