There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
