Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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