i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize