sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
So many bounce houses so little time
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
