He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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