I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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