On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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