Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
