Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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