I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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