Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
is wine microwaveable?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
