god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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