He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
