and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
