No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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