please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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