I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
