I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
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