Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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