im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Green mimosas i think yes
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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