I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
