We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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