I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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