I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
