There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
