i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize