Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You ruined the universe
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
