if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
