According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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