please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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