I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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