I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
