my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You had me at "let me see your balls"
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
