Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
