My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
