His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
