Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
