The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I think people are normalizing furries
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize