I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
