my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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