U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
