my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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