I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
dude i'm inner monologue high
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize