you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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