I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
