Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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