well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
