When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
