I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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