i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
