how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
it glows. i had to have it.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
